5 things not to say to grieving parents

As globalization takes over, distances become irrelevant and communication mediums increase at alarming rates, we as a race seem to forgo empathy and sensitivity. Somehow, everything has become a battlefield where each one of us is trying to engage in competition unfortunately, an unhealthy one. From my  personal experience I have penned down some pointers which we all can benefit from when talking to people who have just gone through the loss of a loved one especially the loss of a child.

1. Don't ask them to stop crying. It's involuntary. They can't help it. Let them cry for at least a few days until they get a hold of themselves. For some, crying in public or in front of anyone can be a matter of immense embarrassment so when such people cry , cry with them. It makes them feel less of an alien.

2. Please don't tell them stories of your uncle's niece's cousin's neighbor's friend who went through a similar tragedy.  Grieving parents do not want comparisons. They just want to mourn their loss. Let them. Comparing their tragedy to others just makes them feel worse and they clam up.

3. When you get to know about their loss and have no idea what to say next then try if you can to make small talk but don't change topics by using statements like ''and what else is happening in your life?''. It gives an indication that your tragic loss is insignificant for them and that, my friends is the worse you can do to them.

4. Don't try to relate their loss to yours. Don't compare the loss of a mother who gave birth, held her child, fed her child, dressed and changed her child and then lost her child with that of a miscarriage. Not trying to undermine the pain of those who miscarried but please don't compare. Losing a child in the womb or losing them in your arms, both are painful but try not to put a value of pain to each. You and I both ache but maybe we ache differently.

5. Please don't complain about why they weren't informed. It's not a marriage invitation which one should expect and can get offended over not being sent one. Grieving parents do not exactly consider it a priority to console you on why you did not get a formal message regarding the demise of their child.

Maybe somewhere in my life I have done one of the above myself but now that I am going through the pain myself, I sincerely pray that if in my ignorance I caused pain to someone while they were already in grief then may they find it in their hearts to forgive me.

Celebration in the midst of grief

A very conflicting title eh? How can one celebrate while grieving?  Everyone grieves differently! Some may go into hibernation for a prolonged period of time, cut of all social interaction and maybe even become a hermit. Others may grieve externally for a certain period and then get back to routine life while making peace with the internal grief but hardly ever bringing it to forefront for various reasons. I believe I belong to the second category! I lost my 2nd born when she was just 4 days old. I knew even while I was carrying her in my womb that she won't survive and I was suggested by many including doctors to terminate my pregnancy. But I had just one thought process - when there is a much Higher Being who blows life into every single being in this universe then who am I to take away a life? My children or anyone for that matter belong to Him and Him alone. I am just a temporary guardian for my children on this earth. I thought I was prepared for all the struggles coming my way both during and post pregnancy. But truth be told - no parent is ever prepared for the loss of a child. All the pains and discomforts of pregnancy I bore and was left empty handed at the end. I mourned in my way. On any occasion if I buy something for my first born I make it a point to buy it for my deceased child too and donate it to someone needy. Gives me peace to know that some kid in some part of this world will be wearing what I bought so lovingly for my child. Few days back a friend very hesitantly asked me if I will be celebrating Eid this year given that this will be my first Eid after losing my child. Initially taken back by this query I responded in the affirmative and explained that why should my other child,who is too young to understand the concept of life and death, suffer, why should she be kept away from festivities and happy moments? My boycotting our religious festivals and happy occasions to mourn my loss would be like telling God that I defy His Decision. He told me to mourn for just 3 days and then go on with life. I mourn internally every single second of every single day but I do not mourn the fact that she resides with our Creator. I take pride in this that my child was the chosen one whom God wanted to keep with Him instead of letting her stay in this world. She is precious, she is important and she is special and hence she resides in Heaven with angels and God. What better place to be? I rejoice in this because my child is happy and in the best possible place. I grieve because I miss her. I grieve because I couldn't hold her for longer. I grieve because she was not in my arms when she breathed her last. I grieve!! But that will not stop me from engaging in any festivities, from shopping for her, from visiting her in the cemetery or from talking about her because humans survive on faith and hope and I hope to reunite with her one day!

Career aspirations to mommy dreams

I had no dreamy aspirations and high aims at least until I graduated from one of the best institutes in town. Till then I was simply going with the flow and then I landed in the corporate sector. They say once you start working you develop an unexplainable addiction to having that fat paycheck in your account every month, the feel of being a part of the corporate sector, the pressure of deadlines and the struggle of acing the 'corporate rat race'. They are so right ! 

I had planned on working after marriage but after having a baby I just couldn't find the right time to rejoin work fulltime and now its been a while since I quit the corporate sector. However, I still yearn for that feel. It's still a struggle trying to get over that addiction. Funnily no one stopped me from re-joining work but then I look at my daughter and a wave of guilt overcomes me when I think of deserting her for my aspirations and needs. 

Every night I have a raging battle in my mind trying to figure out ways of where I can do something apart from being a stay-at-home mom but then I realize that no one not even a single being on this planet can care for her like I can. So compromising on her care might result in nights of regret which are worse than the nights where I desire to do something more with my life. 

I feel proud of all the working mothers and I sincerely feel that it takes a big heart to leave behind a part of them and go to work . At the same time sahm compromise on a lot just to raise their kids well. So kudos to all mamas out there. You all are doing a great job at mamahood so keep rocking it! 

Post partum depression

My pregnancy news came as a result of a test done for some other reason. And I was purely ecstatic while my husband took his own sweet time in believing
the test results and then when he finally did, he was as excited as I was Alhumdulilah.
I had seen 4 nieces and nephews grow up in front of my eyes so I had a pretty good idea that it isn't exactly a piece of cake raising kids and so I was mentally prepared for what's coming my way regarding the baby at least.
i had read about post partum depression, had seen cases of such people within my close circle and all had the same story ' we resented the new addition, the constant crying, feeding, sleepless nights, loss of identity as an individual and adopting just a single role that of a mommy was getting to us'. I used to think that I have enough control over my mind and brain to waive off such a disease so I can't possibly fall victim to ppd. Time proved me wrong. There is no such thing as mind control which can ward off depression which messes with your mind in ways a neutral person can't ever comprehend. However, no one told me that ppd can take another form as well where instead of resenting your baby you rely solely on him/her for your peace of mind.
His/her constant crying doesn't irritate your rather when their sobs subside in your arms you feel loved and needed.
I remember running back to my room to cry at odd times and for no reason whatsoever.  I had a family wedding in my in-laws in those days so unlike the usual days I was surrounded by people 24/7 and my husband (at that time unaware of what ppd actually is) started to get wary of my repeated mood swings and constant crying.  So the feeling of being alone in a crowd best described what I felt and this is what no one talks about regarding depression - the feeling of loneliness and utter hopelessness. There were days when I just wanted to call it quits and run away from everything but then one look at that innocent face staring at me would melt my heart and I would realize she needs me more than I need escape. What no one told me about ppd was that my baby would be my sole comfort, her being away from me would make me lose whatever little peace of mind I was left with, even her being in another room would suddenly engulf me in a feeling of loneliness. If there is one person who helped me overcome my ppd then it was her.
The thing about depression is that no one or at least I never had the courage to confide in anyone about what goes on in my mind, trail of thoughts and the constant raging battle in my mind was something no one would understand. Communicating those thoughts to anyone would have backfired so bad because of all the judgements i would have received in reaction. Our society does not accept depression as a problem and as a result our families and friends give us unsolicited advices like 'busy yourself in some activity, ' join a gym', 'start socializing more' etc etc. All these advices mean well but what no one understands is that it may make one feel better for a while but the problem lingers. The worse thing to do with a person suffering from depression is to make them feel bad about their thoughts or constantly criticising them for being negative, unhappy, ungrateful and a list of other such adjectives. it just pushes them deeper into negativity.
Family and friends support is crucial and most importantly in ppd the support of your spouse can do wonders. I really wish that our medical institutes and hospitals discuss ppd in pre-natal sessions, brief and prepare husbands for whats coming their way and assure the to-be mothers that it will be okay.....eventually.

So all those beautiful mommies who are suffering from ppd hang in there, get medical help if you feel it's too much to handle and take out time for yourself to do something you enjoy. And all the new daddies please read up on ppd, be there for your wives and be their support. This phase is temporary but your support and understanding in these days may strengthen your bond for life.

Ashes to dust

This goes out to all the smokers out there !!!

This post may stand out from the rest of my pieces primarily because it may not hold religious significance for many. However, do not undermine the importance of fighting this 'plague' which has unfortunately engulfed our society, men and women alike. Before i proceed I would like to mention that this piece does not give a Fatwa or a religious ruling, it's just personal opinion backed by some relevant Hadiths and Quranic verses. As long as you do not take this as a fatwa , feel free to criticize :)


Cigarettes might be the only product in the entire world where even its manufacturers,promoters and advertisers warn against the dangers of consuming it. Yet the irony is that approximately 12 millions cigarettes are smoked every minute around the world and 5.5 trillion cigarettes are produced in a year.

It is no secret that cigarette smoking is injurious to health , whoever believes otherwise is clearly in denial.
We are so careful with our material possessions, whatever we own, whatever we hold dear to us, we make sure that it's 'handled with care' and no harm comes to it.  However, when it comes to the possessions of Allah we are equally careless. This life and this body is a blessing of Allah, a possession entrusted to us by the Almighty Who will one day demand it back. Unfortunately, we will fail as trustees to this possession if we return His possession in a state damaged beyond repair.  

Having said that, we come to to an important question, why do people smoke ?  Some reasons I know of are:

• the illusion that it helps attain salvation and euphoria
• peer pressure
• the misconception that it is the 'cool' thing to do - more applicable for the teens
• a mistake turned into an addiction
• the delusion that smoking drowns worries and sorrows
• and then there are some who need an addiction in life, something they can hang on to in times of hopelessness and utter depression.

Whoever smokes believing that it helps attain euphoria, should try an overdose of morphine. The first stage after an overdose of morphine intake is that of euphoria irrespective of the fact that the second one is nausea and third is death.
The worst scenario is the fourth one where an occasional  smoke turns into an addiction so bad that it becomes unthinkable to survive without it. Quitting such an addiction is no less than a herculean task but then again it's all about will-power, support of loved ones, realization that self-destruction through smoking is suicide in disguise and most importantly, the fact that this body was never ours to begin with ; it belongs to Allah and we shall be questioned about how well we took care of His possession. Are we really ready to answer this question while we are continuously poisoning our organs through smoking ?

For those who smoke for the last two reasons, need to have this faith that cigarettes and addictions can only temporarily numb their mental turmoil and unrest and the constant state of helplessness, smoking cannot restore peace in their lives nor can it give hope when one feels that all is lost. If you are looking for inner peace and an outlet to drown your worries, turn to Allah because that's the only place where one can find solace and comfort. As Allah says in Surah Ra'd,

Verily in the remembrance of Allaah do hearts find tranquility.

Smoking is an hindrance to spirituality especially for the chain smokers. For instance, those who cannot go without a smoke during the day, have the hardest time in Ramadan. such is their addiction that their fasts are spent waiting for the day to end , and when it does come to an end they hasten to break their fast with a cigarette.The smoker may not realize this that it's not he who is in control but a meager cigarette rules his mind, will and body and this realization is bad news for the his self-esteem. He is a slave to cigarette without which he loses all ability to reason. When the Almighty has defined such an esteemed position for us where we are slaves to no one except Him, why then do we resort to means where insignificant things rule our mind and body.

In Surah Nisa , verse 29 Allah says :

O you who believe! Eat not up your property among yourselves unjustly except it be a trade amongst you, by mutual consent. And do not kill yourselves (nor kill one another). Surely, Allah is Most Merciful to you.

Smoking is slow poison, a suicidal technique which takes away on average 10 years from the smoker's life. Medical research has proven that smoking is known to cause lung and heart diseases along with many other health conditions. These health issues develop gradually ( hence the repeated reference to the term ' slow poison' ) but be it with immediate effect or gradual, I personally believe that smoking is a suicidal attempt. No faith, no religion in this world allows its followers to harm themselves, this is one of the many universal messages preached by all faiths across the world.

Scholars take evidence from this Hadith of the Holy Prophet (saw) :

Whoever has eaten from such greens as garlic, onions  should keep away from our mosque. Truly, the angels are harmed by what harms the offspring of Adam

The smell that emanates from one's mouth after consuming garlic and onion disturbs the congregational prayers , in this regard scholars are of the view that the smell from cigarette smoke is no different.

The fools may mock this piece and find arguments against it but the wise may hopefully ponder over it (Even though this piece does not add to anyone's knowledge, it's just a reminder which we all need from time to time). Do yourself and your loved ones a favour, quit smoking and spare your loved ones  the misery of worrying about your health when they see you drown  years of good health in smoke.

For all those who are trying to make their loved ones quit, try reasoning with them and if that doesn't work the option of emotional blackmail is always there:) Just don't give up on them.Even if 1 out of 40 quit or even decide to quit after reading this, I will feel a sense of accomplishment:).

May Allah guide us to the right path. Ameen.

The monster is inside us !

It’s amazing how easy it is for the world to make the Muslim ummah prance around at its command. They make a movie on our beloved Prophet, insult him, and hurt the sentiments of the Muslim Ummah and voila, the city is ablaze. Riots, violence, deaths erupt all over the city in protest against the movie, calling for the removal of the movie clips from the internet. I guess this is jihad, right? (as the protestors claim it to be) We take innocent lives just to prove our love for our religion and Prophet pbuh? I haven’t seen the movie clips and I don’t want to. Knowing that it insults our Prophet pbuh should be enough of a reason for any Muslim to not want to watch those videos so why then are we watching and sharing those videos and helping our enemies in their cause? Sometimes ignorance indeed is a bliss !

 I have been asking myself a question for quite some time now that why is it that the western world leaves no opportunity to ridicule our religion? And I come up with the same answer everytime. They ridicule our deen because we do the same. Harsh isn’t it? Well it’s the reality. We call ourselves Muslims yet we don’t even know the meaning of the word ISLAM and if we do, we fail to act according to its meaning.  We claim to be Muslims and the Ummah of the last Prophet pbuh yet are we really following the religion of the man we claim to be an ummah of? Today the mosques are vacant because we are out on the streets killing each other in the name of jihad and protests. Our so called peaceful demonstrations turn ugly within minutes. We believe that forwarding messages, joining facebook causes, signing petitions online make us good Muslims? Is that really what Islam is all about? For the past whole week I have been receiving crazy messages about how we can defeat the western world in their mission to defame Islam by boycotting youtube and google. Really? Is it that simple? A few million users not using Youtube for a few days is not going to make the enemies of Islam respect our religion and is not going to teach them any lesson. At most what it may do is a reduction in their profits and an understanding that Muslims are hurt and angry. And yes it may make them take down those offensive movie clips as well. But that does not serve the purpose entirely does it? They made an offensive movie about our religion and Prophet pbuh; why don’t we make a counter movie showing the beauty of our religion with the intent of spreading the message far and wide, way beyond the reach of the movie they made. Publicize that video through the same mediums and channels that they are using to defame our religion. This, I believe is how we defeat our enemies.

Defeating the west in the real sense means to make them understand what Islam is all about; make them see what Muslims are really made up of, make them acknowledge the fact that Islam indeed is a beautiful religion and our Prophet pbuh is no doubt the best role model. We really want to defeat the west? Defeat them through our morals, our ethics, our character and our slogan of peace.  The chaos created in the Muslim ummah today is what the west sees as entertainment; this is what they wanted and bravo to us for fulfilling this desire of theirs.  If we really want to promote our religion then why not start practicing it? Are we really the Ummah the Prophet wanted us to be? Why are the mosques vacant today? Why are the women unveiled and exposed? Why do the men have no sense of modesty? Why are Muslims killing their own brothers? Why are we adopting the pagan beliefs and western culture and traditions in our lives? Why has the Quran reached the topmost shelf in our homes? Where is the legacy of the Prophet pbuh?  There are so many questions we need to ask ourselves.

During the times of the Prophet pbuh he was called a magician, mad and many other obscene insults were hurled at him.  But did he or the Companions ever turn back at them and go out on protests and demonstrations? Did they call for public strikes? Did they engage in plans to boycott or take revenge from the disbelievers? NO!  They opted to ignore and with time their patience and sincerity towards the religion and Prophet pbuh earned them the respect of even the disbelievers. Can we claim to love the Prophet pbuh more than his Companions? If not then how can we do something they did not under the same circumstances? Nowhere in the Quran does it justify the kind of anger we are seeing on the streets today. Can we claim to have a stronger faith than the companions? Of course NOT! Our level of faith is nowhere even near the faith of the Companions. Then why are we reacting in a way that completely opposes their reaction in a similar situation?  What are we trying to prove? That we love our religion and our messengers so much that we are willing to take a few innocent lives? Set ablaze a few shops of the innocents? Call for strikes in the city and make each and every citizen crippled, by forcing them to not be able to to go out and earn a livelihood to feed their family? Think about the person who works on wages. He lost an entire day’s earning just because the ‘Muslims’ of the city decided to call for a strike to fight for the protection of the Prophet’s pbuh honour. Maybe it’s time we stop looking for monsters in our closets; they are inside us.

As Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan said: The film is offensive because it misrepresents Islam. Senseless violence and murder is offensive for the same reason.

 Unfortunately my anger is not at the idiot who made that movie. Rather he has my sympathies since he probably messed up all chances of having a blissful eternal life. But at the same time I feel sad and scared to see the condition we are in today. Aren’t we messing up our eternal lives as well by misrepresenting our religion by our actions and rage? If we love the Prophet pbuh then let’s vow to spread the message of peace, love and harmony. Let’s tell the world what our beautiful religion is all about. Let’s earn the respect of the entire non- Muslim world through our actions. Each one of us can do his part by spreading the beauty of the Seerah of our Prophet pbuh through words, actions, articles, messages, facebook statuses. So rather than sending messages about jihad and signing online petitions and joining causes let’s be productive. Let’s not encourage the enemies of Islam by viewing the movie clips. Let’s beat them at their own game. Let’s set an example for the entire world to see. I quote the status of a friend at facebook :  

“the disbelievers of Quraish, wrote poems vilifying Prophet Mohammed (Sallah Allah Alaihi Wa Sallam) and his companions (Radi Allahu Anhum), but those  poems did not reach us today because the Muslims then did not transmit them at that time and nor did they pay any attention. Consequently all such poems and words disappeared. We must deal with this offensive movie in the same way and not give it importance in order to avoid it from spreading further.”

there are many Muslims working out there spreading the message of Islam, of Allah and of His beloved Messenger pbuh. Let's join hands with them and help them in their cause with the hope of uplifitng the status of the downtrodden Muslims of today. I speak first and foremost for my own self when I say that may Allah make us capable of being practicing Muslims, may He guide us to the right path and may He protect the honour of His religion and Messengers. Ameen.

Random ramblings

one of the biggest problems of our society is anger, impatience and the habit of engaging in unproductive and useless arguments. No doubt, healthy arguments do exist and they do have a positive impact on the society overall but unfortunately we, as a society or even as a group of individuals do not engage in such arguments. We are so caught up in the trivialities of life that we overlook the major issues. While talking from just the religious perspective, we tend to argue over issues like whether we should pray 8 rakat of taraveeh (Ramadan prayer) or 12 or 20. Or we tend to indulge in long and fruitless discussions about how high our hands should be while saying the takbeer in Salah or  how low the arms should be folded while in Qiyam during prayer. Yes these things are important but there are things bigger than this which need our individual and collective attention. We, as a nation are humiliated and crushed  today not because we are not loyal to our worships in the form of Salah, Fasting,Zakat ,Hajj but because we have failed to adopt the Islamic spirit within us.In the eyes of the rest of the world we are a nation of diverse thoughts and ideas with absolutely no consensus on religious matters and hence we fall prey to their criticism and sarcasm. Divided into a zillion sects, each faction is fighting for its own personal gain and the victory of Islam has been sidestepped and pushed to the lowest level in priority rankings.
Unfortunately, in a nation where the Ulemas should be leading and educating the masses, they themselves are engrossed in petty arguments and tussles amongst themselves.We need to realize that the the purpose is not just to learn Islam but it is actually to adopt Islam in our daily lives and use it to solve problems, implement its teachings to solve societal issues etc.
It is believed that memorizing the Quran and learning it's meaning and then passing it on to others is the need of the day and infact the purpose of this life. No it's not. Islam teaches us to be intellectual muslims and that level of intellect can be attained only if we APPLY the knowledge of Quran to solve the problems of our society today. What good is knowlege if it does not solve problems? And Alhumdulilah Islam is the one religion that offers a solution to every possible problem a man can face on this earth.
Rather than using Islam as an outlet to vent out all our emotions, we need to utilize this blessing so that we may rise as a nation and Ummah. Today, Islam is seen as a religion of self destruction and extremism on the international forum. Among the muslims themselves, Islam is taken as an emotional platform where muslims are looking for a reason to flare up and create an havoc on an international level. How easy it is for the disbelievers to control our emotions. they make danish cartoons of our Holy Prophet pbuh and we create an emotional turmoil in the entire muslim world. We lead protests, make slogans, call for strikes, go on hunger strikes and even create violence in our own city making innocent muslim brothers suffer losses for something the non believers did thousands of miles away. and then we have the nerve to complain that we have become the laughing stock on the international platform. What we fail to realize is that protests and violence is not going to convince the non believers of the beauty of our religion or the integrity and dignity of the personality of our dear Prophet pbuh, rather its our actions, our attitudes and our deeds that may win their hearts and will pull them towards the study of this religion which preaches of harmony and peace even in the face of opposition. If all religious factions unite into one under the flag of One Islam, if we all adopt islam in our lives, the entire world will look up to us and admire our religion, our Prophets, our beliefs and our mode of worships.


We may pray 5 times a day with punctuality and regularity but then we indulge in practices that definitely do NOT define a Momin. For instance, selling sub standard goods, deceiving customers and clients, lying , not fulfilling promises and committments etc. have become an integral part of our life. Islam is not only about having a prostration mark on our forehead or a head-covering on our head. No, it's much more than that. A believer is not only recognized by how he dresses and carries himself  but more importantly, a believer is recognized by his day to day dealings. Lies, deceit, corrupt dealings, dishonest transactions etc have become a trait of our society and yet we still label ourselves as Momins and believers. We need to look beyond the petty issues , we need to focus on factors which are eating up our society, our moral values, our ethics.
isnt it a form of arrogance to not be able to stand being corrected? We like to believe that we are always right, whatever we say or do is perfect. Anyone who finds fault with us or dares to disagree is at the receiving end of either a silent treatment or a verbal abuse (mild or aggressive). why are we so insecure? why dont we have the patience to listen to the other and gain benefit from his input. If only we could mellow our ego and learn to listen more and talk less, we could achieve self improvement in no time. As Nouman Ali khan emphasized the point that the very first and foremost relation we need to work on is with our own selves. We need to analyse where we go wrong,  where do we spend our idle time,  how do we interact with the rest of the society, with our family and our near ones, what do we do when we are alone when we feel no one is watching. we have sufficient time to point our fingers at others and emphasize their flaws but in the process we fail to realize that not focusing on our own flaws is the biggest flaw of all.