A very conflicting title eh? How can one celebrate while grieving? Everyone grieves differently! Some may go into hibernation for a prolonged period of time, cut of all social interaction and maybe even become a hermit. Others may grieve externally for a certain period and then get back to routine life while making peace with the internal grief but hardly ever bringing it to forefront for various reasons. I believe I belong to the second category! I lost my 2nd born when she was just 4 days old. I knew even while I was carrying her in my womb that she won't survive and I was suggested by many including doctors to terminate my pregnancy. But I had just one thought process - when there is a much Higher Being who blows life into every single being in this universe then who am I to take away a life? My children or anyone for that matter belong to Him and Him alone. I am just a temporary guardian for my children on this earth. I thought I was prepared for all the struggles coming my way both during and post pregnancy. But truth be told - no parent is ever prepared for the loss of a child. All the pains and discomforts of pregnancy I bore and was left empty handed at the end. I mourned in my way. On any occasion if I buy something for my first born I make it a point to buy it for my deceased child too and donate it to someone needy. Gives me peace to know that some kid in some part of this world will be wearing what I bought so lovingly for my child. Few days back a friend very hesitantly asked me if I will be celebrating Eid this year given that this will be my first Eid after losing my child. Initially taken back by this query I responded in the affirmative and explained that why should my other child,who is too young to understand the concept of life and death, suffer, why should she be kept away from festivities and happy moments? My boycotting our religious festivals and happy occasions to mourn my loss would be like telling God that I defy His Decision. He told me to mourn for just 3 days and then go on with life. I mourn internally every single second of every single day but I do not mourn the fact that she resides with our Creator. I take pride in this that my child was the chosen one whom God wanted to keep with Him instead of letting her stay in this world. She is precious, she is important and she is special and hence she resides in Heaven with angels and God. What better place to be? I rejoice in this because my child is happy and in the best possible place. I grieve because I miss her. I grieve because I couldn't hold her for longer. I grieve because she was not in my arms when she breathed her last. I grieve!! But that will not stop me from engaging in any festivities, from shopping for her, from visiting her in the cemetery or from talking about her because humans survive on faith and hope and I hope to reunite with her one day!
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