5 things not to say to grieving parents

As globalization takes over, distances become irrelevant and communication mediums increase at alarming rates, we as a race seem to forgo empathy and sensitivity. Somehow, everything has become a battlefield where each one of us is trying to engage in competition unfortunately, an unhealthy one. From my  personal experience I have penned down some pointers which we all can benefit from when talking to people who have just gone through the loss of a loved one especially the loss of a child.

1. Don't ask them to stop crying. It's involuntary. They can't help it. Let them cry for at least a few days until they get a hold of themselves. For some, crying in public or in front of anyone can be a matter of immense embarrassment so when such people cry , cry with them. It makes them feel less of an alien.

2. Please don't tell them stories of your uncle's niece's cousin's neighbor's friend who went through a similar tragedy.  Grieving parents do not want comparisons. They just want to mourn their loss. Let them. Comparing their tragedy to others just makes them feel worse and they clam up.

3. When you get to know about their loss and have no idea what to say next then try if you can to make small talk but don't change topics by using statements like ''and what else is happening in your life?''. It gives an indication that your tragic loss is insignificant for them and that, my friends is the worse you can do to them.

4. Don't try to relate their loss to yours. Don't compare the loss of a mother who gave birth, held her child, fed her child, dressed and changed her child and then lost her child with that of a miscarriage. Not trying to undermine the pain of those who miscarried but please don't compare. Losing a child in the womb or losing them in your arms, both are painful but try not to put a value of pain to each. You and I both ache but maybe we ache differently.

5. Please don't complain about why they weren't informed. It's not a marriage invitation which one should expect and can get offended over not being sent one. Grieving parents do not exactly consider it a priority to console you on why you did not get a formal message regarding the demise of their child.

Maybe somewhere in my life I have done one of the above myself but now that I am going through the pain myself, I sincerely pray that if in my ignorance I caused pain to someone while they were already in grief then may they find it in their hearts to forgive me.

Celebration in the midst of grief

A very conflicting title eh? How can one celebrate while grieving?  Everyone grieves differently! Some may go into hibernation for a prolonged period of time, cut of all social interaction and maybe even become a hermit. Others may grieve externally for a certain period and then get back to routine life while making peace with the internal grief but hardly ever bringing it to forefront for various reasons. I believe I belong to the second category! I lost my 2nd born when she was just 4 days old. I knew even while I was carrying her in my womb that she won't survive and I was suggested by many including doctors to terminate my pregnancy. But I had just one thought process - when there is a much Higher Being who blows life into every single being in this universe then who am I to take away a life? My children or anyone for that matter belong to Him and Him alone. I am just a temporary guardian for my children on this earth. I thought I was prepared for all the struggles coming my way both during and post pregnancy. But truth be told - no parent is ever prepared for the loss of a child. All the pains and discomforts of pregnancy I bore and was left empty handed at the end. I mourned in my way. On any occasion if I buy something for my first born I make it a point to buy it for my deceased child too and donate it to someone needy. Gives me peace to know that some kid in some part of this world will be wearing what I bought so lovingly for my child. Few days back a friend very hesitantly asked me if I will be celebrating Eid this year given that this will be my first Eid after losing my child. Initially taken back by this query I responded in the affirmative and explained that why should my other child,who is too young to understand the concept of life and death, suffer, why should she be kept away from festivities and happy moments? My boycotting our religious festivals and happy occasions to mourn my loss would be like telling God that I defy His Decision. He told me to mourn for just 3 days and then go on with life. I mourn internally every single second of every single day but I do not mourn the fact that she resides with our Creator. I take pride in this that my child was the chosen one whom God wanted to keep with Him instead of letting her stay in this world. She is precious, she is important and she is special and hence she resides in Heaven with angels and God. What better place to be? I rejoice in this because my child is happy and in the best possible place. I grieve because I miss her. I grieve because I couldn't hold her for longer. I grieve because she was not in my arms when she breathed her last. I grieve!! But that will not stop me from engaging in any festivities, from shopping for her, from visiting her in the cemetery or from talking about her because humans survive on faith and hope and I hope to reunite with her one day!